journal of a struggling vet student

oh my god.. shit happens. just when you think you came prepared for a long quiz, you find yourself digging the deepest pits of your brain for answers.. isa pa.. tangina naman.. may handout pala di ko alam.. twenty points din yun!! I got like 8 lng ata or 7. then bukas long exam pa.. andito pa ako sa comp shop nagnenet.. Hell!!

Maraming perks ang pag-aaral sa UPLB. You get to see the scenic spots this place has to offer. Then you get to be one with the nature everytime you feel so pensieve. Isang hike lang yan sa peak 2 or kung saan man. Plus, you get to enjoy sthursday nights the UPLB way. Acads? Ano ba, UP to. What more can you expect.

But behind all of these is the fact that UPLB lies in the suburbs. Ibig sabihin, medyo malayo sa kabihasnan (pertaining to Manila of course..). Kung anong nangyayari sa Manila, hindi mo mararamdaman dito. The newspaper and news programs keep us updated, but fail to make us empathize. The hell?! Bahala na sila sa mga batman nila sabi nga ng house mate ko. I thought, she has a point. Ang sa Manila ay sa Manila, ang sa Elbi ay Elbi.

Now the problem arises. Ang mga taga Elbi ay mashado na atang nalulong sa scenic spots at bars ng Elbi (O sige na nga..pati na rin sa acads..) kaya nakakalimutan na nila ang mga pangyayari else where. Nakakalimutan na nila yung mga pangyayari na may direct effect sa future nila. Keber ko ba kung umamin na si gloria sa kung anomang cd na yan. Keber ko ba kung bakit nagsasalita ngaun ang artistang si Susan Roces at pinabababa si glo.. Keber..

Oo nga. Laganap na sa Elbi ang culture of apathy. Ibang-iba sa mga taga Elbi decades ago. Kwento sa ke ng Econ 10 prof ko, 10 years ago daw, sila pa (studyante pa sha non..) ang nanghihikayat sa prof nila na idissmiss ang klase para lang maka attend sa mga fora sa Elbi. Ngaun daw na professor na siya, siya pa ang naghihikayat sa mga studyante niya to get involved. At dahil dito. Naisip na tama ngang sabihin ng iba na ang UP any UP Diliman only. O sige na nga isama na ang UP Manila. Pati Baguio. Pero ang Elbi? Wala. This place is a dumping ground of artficially brilliant minds. Matalino nga pero makitid. Nakakahiya.

At shempre mag-rereact ka pag nabasa mo ito. Para iparating sa nagsulat na superior ang IQ mo, magrereply ka using the most polluying words Webster can give.  Pwedeng magbigay ka ng mga rason for this culture of apathy. Sana nga lang you wont miss the point.

Pero ano-ano nga ba ang mga posibleng rason para dito? Dahil ba hindi ka well-informed sa mga nangyayari? Well, matanong ko lang. Nasan ka ba every 8:00 ng gabi? TV Patrol na kasi eh. Chance mo na to be cognizant socially. Pwede mong i-rason na nag-aaral ka ng Stat. Or May miting for Hum. The point is, ang dali naman mag-devote ng isang oras para sa news di mo pa magawa. Or, pwedeng nanood ka nga ng news, kinalimutan mo naman. Wala rin. Isa pa, kung regular na studyante ka, (lalo na kung lalake..) magkano ang ginagamit sa pagnenet? Yung friendster ba and such.. yung gunbound ba and such? E kung ipambili mo na lang kaya ng newspapaper? At sana basahin mo. Hindi naman dapat basahin lahat sa isang upuan. You have a day to finish.

Rason din kaya na walang prime mover para mag-initiate ng mga fora at mass actions? Wala ba talaga o wala ka lang pakialam? Everytime may pumapasok sa room niyo na Taga Sakbayan at iniisplika ang current issues sa'yo nakikinig ka ba? Malamang hindi. E wala ka namang alam e, pano ka makakaintindi? O kaya pag may mga rally na ginaganap sa may Hum, na-try mo na bang sumama? Sabagay, pano ka sasama e wala ka ngang alam.

E..rason kaya na talaga lang wala kang pakialam? Na ang tanging habol mo lang ay makakuha ng uno sa mga klase mo at mag-grad with honors? Posible. Para pag graduate mo, fly ka na sa ibang bansa para kumita ng salapi. (Tapos sasabihn mo na gusto mo lang talagang yumaman tapos babalik ka din dito to render service to your mother country? Kakatawa naman..) Kung ganon.. Anong pagkakaiba mo sa ibang mga hindi taga UP?

At dahil dito, tama lang sabihin sa Taga Elbi ka lang. Mababang Klase. Below Expectations. Worse than Mediocre. Hindi ka tulad ng mga taga UP Diliman at UP Manila na marunong magrespong sa issues ng lipunan. Isa ka lang matalinong taong-bundok na may makitid na pag-iisip. Makulong sa sa bundok na kinalalagyan ng eskwelahan mo.

Bullshit. I hate waking up early to hear my econ prof flaunt his demigod-like statements on The Situation. I could have spent anonther hour lying in bed but I had no choice but attend his class. For some reasons I wasn't able to attend Wednesday's class so I thought it would be too much not to attend today's class. But what did I actually listened to?! The problems this country is in. The Situation.

If you're thinking this will be an addition to my so-activist journals, drop it. I am really no somebody. I write when I want to. I join rallies when I think I'm advocating what is right. I write shit when I'm at it. ..But what is this all about?! I'm suppose to write something bout the econ class.. ^%$*&%#$^*#*&%$(*%*&)%

Back to the topic. Its not that I dont like the professor. In fact, I find him quite intellectually charming. His ideas are sound and feasible. To cut it short, he's fine. It's the today's topic which pisses me a lot. Government taxes and spendings. I don't know why but couple of hours ago, I wanted to throw at full rage at those goddamn politicians who robbed my people's money and use them as if they were theirs. FUCK YOU ALL!!!

I wish I were not inclined to economics. I study possible solutiuons to economic problems but really, I think the solutions lie not on myself or any body else's but on those people implementing the institutions. My point is that, it is useless to study economics when people in the government do not really give a damn!!

Today is Friday. Which means, I'll be coming home in the next few hours. Which means, I'll get to see the activist stall on the roadside of Crossing-Calamba. Those poor creatures. They do the tongue exercise on microphones but nobody is paying attention. Is it because their strategy on info dissemination is poor? Or Filipinos do not really give a damn?

.....whatever.

Most of the time, I am sure that I am in control of things. At least that is what I think. But often, I find myself crumbling into pieces and see things under my so-thought control crumbling along with me. At the end of the day I gaze at the sunset with failure beside me. I try to analyze things up but it is useless. Good analysis requires a great deal of objectivity --even the faintest of which I did not posses.

            For those times I consider myself a big junkie. Ask how a junkie dying because of the obnoxious substances he put inside his body is and he’ll tell you he’s alright. Junkies—to quote Jessica Zafra—think they are always in control of the situation when in fact they are not. The junkie philosophy is what I possess at present—the thought that I can ruin my life at this point and be okay at another. 

This semester is a very ridiculous one for me. I had a lot of absences already before the first month ended. I had a PE subject—which required tedious labor and great deal of time—dropped. I had a 2.5 for a major subject and incurred a 2.3 for GWA. Now at this destitute condition I try hard to remember what went wrong. I was a good student only that sometimes indolence would take over, making me miss a class or two. Now that’s the junkie philosophy. In reality I was indeed a good student. There were mornings when I feel like taking a little more time sleeping but I end up missing my Stat 1 lab class. There were a lot of afternoons when I thought of not attending my class and feed myself with empty promises. I thought I was in control. I thought my next lab exercises can cover the previous ones which I zeroed. I thought my frequent absences can be covered by good quizzes and nights of studying—both of which I was not able to do. Now all of them constitute a great bulk of my academic devastation.

Sleep was converted into shabu.  Gimmicks became my marijuana. The thought of going home was like methamphetamine. Even solitude was turned into Ecstacy. These are the things I got addicted to this semester. For these things I was willing to give up my classes. My mind recalled the many times at warp speed how I went home without attending my SPCM 1 class, how I ditched off a SOSC2 class for company, how I absented from PHILO1 for an IRRI trip and how I battled off my conscience just to be able to avoid the STAT1 lab class. Now upon thinking back of these things I feel utterly stupid. But during those times it felt so good.

Just when you thought things are sailing nice and smooth, you’ll receive a suddenly blow of reality telling you that they aren’t. As a matter of fact, things are actually in the brink of apocalypse that there is nothing you can actually do about it. But how, you ask yourself. Then your mind takes you to a time-machine ride in the past and there you knew how.

            Remember when how ecstatic you were to start the first semester of your second pre-vet year with your new house and housemates? Perhaps there was no happiness greater than to start the new semester with new perspectives. You had nice subjects along. Economics was such a breather back in high school that there can’t be any problem with it. Physics was quite detestable in your senior year but you had high hopes. Especially when you have a gang of future vets along in the class. And Filipino? Come on. Never a pain in the ass. Then there was Botany--you never liked plants but the first classes hint that it’ll be fine. Now its Organic Chemistry. Julius never said it was easy. Mortality rate is quite high. But you don’t worry about it. Mortality isn’t your thing. You thought you were a survivor. At least.

            June passed and you were in the good shape. Never had a single absence yet. The subjects are still manageable. No need to worry yet. You-re quite having difficulty with Chem. But you didn’t worry much. Its only July. You can catch up. July came along with Julius’ birthday. July first came on a Friday. During Fridays, you have Econ 10 at 7 am, Fil 1 at 1 pm and Nasc 3 at 3pm. Since they needed help at the preparations, you chose not to attend the last two subjects. There you had your fist absences.

            Does it really feel good the first time? Was your inner evil awaken during those absences? Maybe. And the creature slowly crept into you without you knowing it. Months later, this evil will bring you to your near destruction. And you don’t know how.

            Came mid-July and you found yourself absenting yourself from class at impulse. Either you feel bored. Or you’re plain lazy.  Either way, you are to be found in your cozy house lying in the sheets. Maybe dreaming your way towards the end of the day. One absence followed another. But you were not good for nothing. You noticed yourself developing the nasty habit and you told your inner self to do something about it.. You expect some kind of enlightenment. But the inner self itself has become lazy. So is the physical self. In short, you knew you had the problem and recognized it. But you never did something to cope with the problem.

            Remember how you swept everyone away whenever you stood to recite way back in high school? Or how you came up with brilliant ideas for presentations? ..what happened to those now that you’re in the University of the Philippines at Los Baños?! Were you really frustrated by the fact that you had to compete with the best minds in your every class? Or you were just too lazy to come up with great ideas? How about the fact that you’ve gone frustrated with the requirements that you became blind to their significance? How about mere prejudice on your subjects? The third reason caused you to lose interest and actually became frightened of class participations Poor you..

           NO matter what reason, the bottom line is that you failed to things you ought to do. Or at least did them late. Remember the presentation in Econ 10? How about the Herbarium in Bot 11? The class activities in Fil 1? And oh.. the precious assignments in Nasc 3? But these things are merely skin-deep compared to the real issue with which you showed spectacular narrow-mindedness and sloth--studying in itself. Yes, studying. The supposed few-hours-a-night sessions with school books. Now you’re  thinking about it. All these things went on for months. And you didn’t seem to care. Now its payback time.

            Well, what did you get? A failed remark on Chem 40 and Econ 10. A measly grade in Nasc 3 and Fil 1. And a 1.5 in Bot 11--perhaps your only saving grace this sem. You know you could have done better. You knew that very well. All along.

            You are on warning status. Another warning will put you on probation. Another probation can dismiss you. When that happens, strike a rusty knife on your throat and go to hell.

            After my sister had finished washing the dishes, my mom received a phone call from my aunt. The whole family is in the hospital. My grandpa was rushed to the hospital for reasons I wasn’t able to know until now. This wasn’t new anymore. My grandpa had been rushed to hospitals before. Then its either he’d be released the next day or stay for a month or two. My mom received the news very casually. Even when my aunt started crying. After I knew that my aunt was already in her hysterical state, I was alarmed already. But I didn’t actually say anything. I stayed silent and instead watched over my mom more inquiringly. I examined her with the most objective and sensitive way I am capable of. She is a very strong person. I could barely remember the times when we actually saw our mom cry. Last night, she remained calm and even managed to crack a joke about my grandpa’s health. Another phone call from my aunt came telling grandpa was already 50-50. After that phone call, my mom wasn’t the same anymore. She started cracking more jokes. Maybe to counter the growing feeling she had inside. She had high hopes that her father would soon be treated, be able to go home and be the same. She sticked to what she hoped would happen. Phone calls and text messages began clouding in and at last, my mom called my grandma and the latter told her that grandpa’s stable again and that he’d be transferred to PGH. After that, my mom sure felt relieved. I, too. But there was something I am still afraid of. I was so afraid that anytime tonight a phone call or text message would bring the news of grandpa’s death. The phone made us expect grandpa’s going to get better. My parents slept after.

            Late that night, I had the worst asthma attack. There was shortness of breath and I felt so tired with every movement I make. My brother was so worried I might die that he woke our parents up to check on me. My dad told me its asthma. I refused to acknowledge it because I am 100% sure I am not asthmatic. Funny was it that I felt really better after having five sprays of that my father takes for his asthma. After that, I made an unusual discovery about my health: I am asthmatic. I wonder whether that’s how it feels to die. To have shorter breath every minute until you get suffocated. Death is something I want to be familiarized with.

            I woke up at 6:45 today and checked on my fone. My cousin sent me a message. About grandpa’s death. Was it an immediate lock in time or my senses just could not figure out what to feel. My grandpa has died. I immediately rushed out of bed and checked on my mom. Instead I saw my father fixing their bed. Mom has gone to Manila. I don’t know when. It was then that I finally felt sorry for my mom. I only lost a grandpa. My mom lost a father. My mom has lost the figure who has toiled for many years to provide them with everything. If you only knew how my mom’s family went through before my mom and her 5 co-siblings became who they are today. I believe my grandpa was the one steering the wheel to their success as a family.

              She might be in a bus right now crying her heart out. I can see her weeping uncontrollably while strangers looked at her puzzled. The rest of my family stayed in Lipa. I prepared my self and headed back to Elbi.

            En route, I kept thinking about my lolo. He has been a figure in my childhood years. Memories began streaming in. He died without me telling him how much I appreciated every thing he did for my mother’s family. If it wasn’t for him, I wouldn’t be who I am today. If it wasn’t for him, I would never a have family of good individuals.    

          From now on, our family gatherings won’t be the same anymore. Gone would be the great quiet man sitting in a chair with his cane in hands, listening to the happy stories of his big patriarch.

In two days, i'll again be go out to the battlefield ang finish a war that i could have triumphed a semester ago. I could have fully annihilated my present nemesis if only i had not underestimated the things my enemy could do. I had been utterly foolish not to get my acts together and actually prepare during the first time. I have enough time then. But my inner General threw me into a state of pseudo-euphoria about The Bright Tomorrow. Instead of getting my army of neurons ready, my inner General manipulated them into some ephemeral fantasy. The result: I failed Chem 40.

This time it is going to be different. I still have the same inner general and he is in constant and ardent propaganda at this moment. As a matter of fact, he has convinced my neurons to spend an hour inside this damned computer shop instead of preparing for Tuesday's fourth exam. In retrospective, i am in lead against the nemesis. But i wanted to be sure. I'll discipline my inner General this time and make him work on what he is suppose to do. I am going to nail this damned exam this time. Then, i'll go on to prepare for the ultimate battle ahead: Thursday's Finals. No more dreaming about The Bright Tomorrow this time. The Proper Years are still abstract concepts for now. But, sometime in the future, i'll take my rightful place in The Bright Tomorrow.

For now, its the nemesis that I should be thinking about. For after its expected defeat, a new one takes its place: Chem 160.

And so the battle begins again. 

Having having read byrone's mixed sour-graping and sweet-lemoning on what happened to his precoius phone, and having read his oh-so-intellectual entry on the Korean's departure, I couldn't help my fingers from typing these words: Niakniakniak..

I have nothing against byrone, it's just that his emotions really radiate from those two entries. Nice..

Once there was was a very arrogant student in the author's class. He performs well in the class and actually is an all-knowing guy. He came from some pang-hot shot schools and actually has the face of an angel. He has this habit of throwing off offensive stuff unconciously and he always does in an im-such-a-nice-guy-way. People in the author'sclass started noticing it but since he had the face of an angel, they succumb to this guy's bad habit.

But not the author. For the author, this nasty habit should be stopped. So whenever the author had the oppurtunity, he engages in a verbal game of wit and logic with this guy until this guy stops talking. There some times when this guy would actually be wounded by the author's witty remarks. But instead of surrendering, this guy would actually stop and just fight another day.

And so lets wait for what will happen next.

your innocent countenance

my worst adversary

for in those deep eyes

continues the mockery

after two days of deep sleep, i woke up and felt the need to interact with the outside world. for if i won't, i'd tick away and evaporate. it's not good staying inside a room full of literal mess, although every clutter reminds me of the good times i had inside the room. but every fun time is shared by plural individuals. in my solitude, the clutter seem to haunt me. the best solution: internet shop.

last friday, we celebrated a friend's birthday in a savvy resort. it was all fun and bonding. we get to formally meet jae's paramour and we're so happy it was a no-bore party. complete with the good food and incessant videoke. the pool was superb. the rooms were luxurious. panalo ever!

but the best part happened at around 3 am. there was a friend on the duyan, obviously under the influence of pale pilsen and with a heavy heart. this friend is some sort of a perfect guy: one of the extremely few proofs that chivalry isn't dead yet. he's as deep as his thoughts, as witty as the conversations he engage in, and add to that an excellent sense of humor. nothing nega, all positive. but since man is both good and evil, and he doesn't show any manefastation of possessing the latter, he made himself very interesting to me. very interesting.

he asked me how things have been going. i smiled. i looked at that as an open invitation to a good conversation. or at least i assumed. but whatever, it was what followed. the two-hours or so of hearts talking was the best part of that night. the feeling that someone so interesting actually confided in you is just so overwhelming. i just wanna thank the guy after.

then came my part. it was short but at least i was able to tell the general idea. and being emphatic that he is also, i believed he understood. it feels good someone not your kind truly understands. maybe the kick of pale pilsen was wearing off already, plus the sun's beginning top greet the new day so the conversation stopped. but the overwhelming feeling lingered for a while.

my friend's a great guy. being inhibited he is (both of us actually..), maybe he'd kill me after reading this article. but sorry dude, that night's pouring of verbal emotions was so heartfelt that it was worth being immortalized.

amidst the rotting canine carcass

my thoughts flew to you

and to that picture taken just earlier

somehow i had hoped

that the foul stench of formalin

could dissolve the feeling

that has been haunting me

since i made you

the object of my obnoxious affections

Time check. It's now 10:24 am. I've just come from a desperate all-night study session at ate tin's place. No toothbrush. No bath. I hope the people here in the shop do not notice. Call it frustration-borne. I sudddenly felt the need to amuse myself before venturing into the infernal pits of two embryology exams later. If it weren't for that inconsiderate brown-out around 1 am earlier, there might have been a possibility that i could reverse my wretched fate. I could have studied so damn hard and nail the coming exams.

But I could only wish. When the lights went out earlier, I wasn't even halfway the lecture exam coverage. I haven't even bother fucking the lab manual. Since it was to dark to continue tinkering the book, ate tin, yana and I decided to go out and look for a quick bite. The decision brought us to Bangkal Extension, to Manang Goto's place. Honestly it was the first decent meal I had in 30-something hours. Nothing could really be more satisfying than a hot bowl of goto albeit it accompanied a glass of water that screamed E. coli and hepatitis. Pero keber lang.

We literally cursed the prices of the stuffs at Mercury Drug before actually buying them. We had no choice. Manang Goto said the lights will come back at 5 am so my pack figured out its better to eat the night away while waiting for drowsiness to kick in. Back at the house, three of us did the deed we're par excellent at-- gossips. At that time none of us cared about the boooorrrrriinnng books. All we did was exercise our tongues out until they refused to puke words. Our voices disturbed the stillness of the night and we had hoped that the nieghbors are already too much asleep to hear us.  There we are, discussing who's with whom and who's formerly with whom instead of talking about some stupid embryological developments of some equally stupid body organs. It was really fun! It was fun because nobody cared about the nemeses that we are to wrestle when the light strikes back.

Before all of us slept at around 2:30 last night, we promised to wake up at 5 am and straighten our crooked acad lives. But we never did. I woke up at 7 am feeling so frustrated because of the myriads of pages waiting to be read and the gazillion pictures waiting to be analyzed. I tried. But I realized, why bother when I can't absorb?

It is during these helpless times that I discover some hard truths in life. Or to be quite honest, it this during these helpless times that my defence mech goes into active mode and conjure some pseudo-truths that are meant to make me feel better after screwing myself hard. I realized, sometimes no matter how hard we try to go for excellence, the Cosmos is always there trying to remind us that we can never be the best at all times. We have to understand the feeling of being utterly inferior (Translation: Getting the lowest score in an embroyology lec and lab exam) to fully enjoy the joys of being on top. Now dig that. :)

Time check. It's 10:52 am already. I've just finished a pre-damnation consolation article. So far, nobody inside the shop has give me dubious looks yet. I'd log myself out, go straight to the house, take a bath, brush my teeth. An hour from now, I'll be entering the first half of inferno. Then four hours of limbo. Then, I'll get incinerated inside the other half. May the Watcher of the Cosmos have pity on my obnoxious and ultra-delinquent soul. And those of ate tin and yana too.

To all my batchmates who joined Absy's party who find my post-Emperador frenzy offensive, please accept my abject apologies. That night, I let the spirit of strong brandy and loud music get into my head, making me do (and shout) those things. Please rest assured that I do not intend to impress anything on anyone and that was merely a product of imprudence on my part. Guys, sorry talaga..

Sa lahat ng mga sinabihan ko ng kung ano-anong mga bagay. Pasensha na. Hindi ko talaga sinasadya yung mga yon. At sa mga taong ito:

mr bulatao- sorry for being so intrusive on your affairs. if it happened to me that a mere acquaintance would tell me that, i'd get offended. i apologize.

ms llanto- i never really had the right to tell you those things. i wouldn't try excusing myself for that action. sorry din.

mr santos and ms cuenta- you know how much i appreciate the two of you. kung nasabi ko man sayo yun mr santos, dahil na rin siguro sa kagustuhan kong manatili kayong masaya sa isa't-isa. pero sa inyong dalawa, i meant everything i said.

mr moralde- maybe what i told you was the best thing i did that night. let bygones be bygones. i've become so selfish for so long and it's time to make up. i hope we can continue where we ended.

ms uy- grabe talaga. maraming salamat sa party na yon. i may have made a mess but it was spectacular. sana maulit ulit..

mr desamero- thanks for being there all the way! i missed us terribly!

ms alvarez- thanks for the support! sorry for being so pa-all-knowing.

VetMed Batch 04- simula pa lang ito ng marami pang lasingan and drama blues. sana sa sususnod mas marami tayo. para mas masaya. eto lang masasabi ko sa tin: WE ROCK. :)

Eat me.
Slowly sink your hungry fangs on my willing flesh
The bleeding brings me rapture
Chew the morsel as you satisfy your hunger
As I satisfy my lust for you

Lick me.
Run your soft tongue on my gory meat
With every touch brings me sting
And every sting brings me bliss
Never stop until you’re done

It’s all of me.
I watch my flesh being devoured
With every drop of blood
And every chunk of meat
I feed them all to you

You’re full.
Your eyes are now hollow
Void of the longing and desire
That made me give myself to you
Without prepossessed regrets

You left me.
Now that you’ve had the best of me
And left me half-alive
I’m bare
Few inches away from hell you put me in

I died.
But I waited for your return
Only you can bring me to life
You’ll nurture me until I ripe
Then you’ll take me again

But you never did.

Malalim na ang gabi.
Tinanggal ng putang ina ang bibig ng kanyang anak mula sa pagkakasuso nito sa kanyang utong.
Mabigat ang kanyang pakiramdam.
Simula na naman ito ng isang mahabang gabi.

Maliit ang kanyang blusa.
Maikli ang kanyang palda.
Amoy ang pabangong galing sa bangketa.
Mabibigat ang kanyang mga habang
Patungo sa naghihintay na night club.

Malandi ang musika.
Gayundin ang kanyang mga galaw.
Malantik ang kanyang paggiling.
Nang-aanyaya ang kanyang malikot na pag-indak ng kanyang katawan.
Nakapanlilibog ang putang ina.

Maiinit ang mga mata.
Naninigas ang mga katawan.
Tulo ang laway ng mga demonyong may hawak-hawak na serbesa habang sumasayaw sa malanding saliw ng musika ang putang ina.

Tapos na ang dance number.
Pero hindi pa ang gabi.
Lumapit ang manager sa putang-ina.
Pinatatawag daw siya ni congressman.
Masuwerte daw ang putang-ina.
Galante raw si congressman.

Patay na ang ilaw.
Sumisira sa katahimikan ng gabi ang mga ungol ng dalawang katawan.
Sa bawat indayog nandun ang hirap.
Sa bawat pag-kadyot nandun ang hinagpis.
Nasa kaligayahan ng isa ang paghihirap ng natira.
Pera lang ang katumbas ng sarap.
At ng hirap.

Tapos na ang gabi.
Nakaraos na si congressman.
May pera na ang putang ina.
Bumili siya ng gamot sa botika.
At lugaw kay Aling Nene.
Sabay uwi sa bahay.

Tulog pa ang anak ng putang ina.
Na nilalagnat kagabi.
Niyakap ng putang ina ang natutulog na anak.
Pumikit siya at iwinaglit ang nagdaang gabi.
Sa gabi lang siya puta.
Ulirang ina siya sa umaga.

Sa bawat pagngata ng milo, iniisip kita
Pagkat tulad ng milo, dulot mo’y kakaiba
Ang bawat pagdampi nito sa king dila
Ay para na ring pagtikim ko ng labi mo

Sa mga gabing ako’y takam
At hindi mapigilan ang aking sarili
Milo na lang ang hinahanap
Pagka’t kung ikaw ay asa pa

Nguni’t sa mga umagang anjan ka
Lubos ang tuwang nadarama
Kaya’t Milo’y pilit hahanapin
Ngangatain, at iisiping ito’y ikaw na rin

Ang milo’y tunay na matamis
Ngunit ang pantasya sa iyo’y hindi
Ang milo, sa pakiramdam ay tunay
Pero ikaw, nasa isip lang

Para tuloy ayaw ko na ng milo.
Dahil sa bawat pagtikim nito
Paulit-ulit lang akong nagpapaloko
Sa ilusyon ko tungkol sayo

Pero makakaya ko ba
Ang hindi tumikim ng milo?
Kung dito ko lamang nabubuhos
Ang pagsintang lingid sayo?

When I first heard about the 1 week suspension of classes, I was so relieved. It’s amazing that the universe is actually giving me time to start reviewing my notes early so I could somehow psyche myself up for the nearing exams. Everything was mentally planned before I left for Lipa. I am to accomplish three things: Physiology, Anatomy and Embryology. I had my things with me when I came home last Monday night and had high hopes that I could actually finish things early. While still in LB, I thought that maybe I could enjoy reading few books so I decided to bring with me a Nick Joaquin, an Iñigo Ed Regalado and one foreign author.
I think bringing the books was a mistake. Now I realized that they add up to the many distractions that keep me from my academic chores. I’ve read one-third of the Nick Joaquin and I’m really enjoying it. But often times I just lie around without the book and just gaze at nothing. It is so stupid of me when I should have grabbed Miller and start reading.
Well I actually tried. But every time I touch it with a finger, all my neurons seem to stop functioning and begin screaming for rest! I mean, I suddenly feel heavy-eyed and the best way to deal with it is to leave Miller behind and take a nap. I know I’m beginning to turn into a good-for-fucking-nothing again but I just couldn’t help it! It’s a lot better sleeping because if I force myself on Miller, I’m 100% sure I won’t absorb anything and that would be so regretful--exerting efforts for nothing. Sleeping is really the better option. But once I wake up, the household chores waiting to be done have to be done so there’s no time left for studying. Add to that the tantalizing things called TV and PC. Haaayyy..
I realized. This is the thing that actually separates me from the best vet students. Well save for Absy whose I.Q. requires no early start-up and is actually on maximum few nights before the big exams. Other brilliant students actually prepare long enough before each exams and nail them hard, especially those staying in the dormitories. That’s like Martina Hingis anticipating the ball early before making a witty shot. I mean, they just read when there’s nothing else to do and that reading actually serves them two things: for entertainment and academics. But me? I don’t even see the ball coming. The next thing I know is that I’ve lost the set. I dunno if there’s anything wrong with my system but I always tend to keep leisure and academics separated. The worse part is I’m more inclined to the former. And it seems that no matter I psyche myself up and give it the regular reminders, my brain won’t function if it doesn’t want to. As if it has a life of its own! Albeit I can force it to work in academic life-death situations.
The problem with me is that no matter how I plan things, I still end up doing a-la-Abbie Uy--cramming. The difference is that her system works perfectly that way while mine doesn’t. I have so much time to prepare but during those times, I always end up doing something else. Yes I make plans. But I don’t stick with them. And I hate it!
You call that thing discipline-deficiency. And right now I could only whine and rant about it. I knew already what’s wrong and you could bet that my inner-inner self won’t do anything about it.
Grrr.. I wanna cut my head off and fix it myself.

created after milrnyo's wrath swept uplb

sanamabits. salamat at naging mabait ka sa isang tulad kong desperado. hindi man tayo magkakilala o nakapag-ugnayan sa kahit anong paraan, hayaan mong pasalamatan kita.

nang dahil sa iyong kabaitan, nakakatulog akong may ngiti sa labi.

bwahaha.

sa bawat pagtitig ko mula sa iyong likuran

ay nandon ang pangarap na balang araw

ako'y haharap at sasabihin sa iyo

mahal kita.

charing.

After Absy's party, I told myself it's enough. Never will I allow myself be slave to alcohol again and do/say stupid things. I've had enough teasing from reina and others and I never want to be put in a very shameful post-frenzy state again. I felt I could not muster enough guts apologizing to people for the intruding things I had told them. But perhaps it is true that what happened once can happen again. Last night, barely a month after that shameful incident, I did it again. This time in front of a much greater audience--VetSoc at the immediate front, and the elbizens having a good time at the back. So if you were at elbi square last night hearing some loud-mouth shouting childish stuff and getting the ire out of people, pardon, it was me your hearing.

Honestly I have no idea how it turned that way. After the open tambayan, the alumni wanted to have fun with us and at the same time maybe rekindle the bonds for old time's sake. At 8:30 the 20-something of us were already in Loata happily spending the night away with San Mig light, pulutan, and chika galore. I mean it's just so nice seeing VetSoc having fun especially with the alumni. For it was them who would take the bill after, hehe.. I finished my first bottle watching the shows on Loata's large projector. Then came the second. I was seating with Ate Yayan, Arie and Juls. Then the third. Fourth. Fifth. What's amazing about VetSoc is I could actually forget being drunk by simply engaging in a sort of perennial chika. It's been quite a while since I had spent a night like this with VetSoc so even though a Physio Lab is waiting the day after at 8 am, keber lang. As far as I remember the trouble began when I moved to the middle part of the table, seating now with SJ, Josie and Brylle, and many others. The alumni ordered another batch of buckets, SanMig lights and Red Horse then. Tipsy I was already, I nonchalantly took another bottle after finishing one until my neurons went haywire and voila..emerged Jeorgie the Drunk--that stupid oversized earthling who began yelling his heart out as if he badly needed everybody's attention. Haay.. Good thing I didn't tell people "Look at me I'm drunk! Look at me I'm drunk! Come on look at me!!!! I'm so cool when I'm drunk right?! Haha..".

The next thing I knew I was at Sj's place already. I had no idea how my show ended up, if ever I offended any body with my display of childish nothings, how they managed to make me stop and bring me to SJ's place or even why I woke up wet from tummy below! Now I hate myself for allowing me do it again. I mean I'm perfectly fine! No problem whatsoever! Now why did I ever allow myself  be in a drunken stupor again?! It's just so fucking frustrating. What about next time? Or the one after next time?! AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!

I DO NOT HAVE ANY DESIRE OF BEING LABELED LASHINGERO FOR GOD'S SAKE!!!!!

Still I could not deny that I enjoyed everything. So let me say these.

VetSoc- guys thank you for that wonderful night. It's just so nice starting the semester with you and see us having fun together! I mean the last semester might not turn out fine but this sem, for sure we'll make up. Together we are going to prove the org's worth and take it to another level. Still, sorry for messing up. Although I provided you guys with little entertainment and I'm sure its just okay with you.

Doc Millan, Doc Joms, Doc Alex and Doc Marte- thank you so much for taking time off your busy schedules to be with us! You guys were really great, once again your stories have showered my ears with how VetSoc was long before I joined it and we truly appreciate the support you have given us. Rest assured that we'll do everything we can to improve our org! And.. uhm.. if ever my frenzy caused any offense, I apologize. I did not mean doing it.

i needed a moment

to figure things out

as you make your way

towards the dusty green board

and exercise your brains out

over some stupid math

i ardently hoped

that sooner or later

you'd finish that

so I myself

could find relief again

Christmas season went by without me having created a decent blog post. I've wondered how my imaginary audience (tnx carl..) felt not having read anything from me. So to fling away the idea that I have perished already, I give you my season's chronicles.

The classes ended with days empty of any class discussion. I went to school at the last day with my uniform only to find out that my only class for that day had been cancelled. Everybody knew, or at least have been wrned even before they put on their uniforms, except me. I had no choice but to go back, put on a simple white shirt and cargo pants. That night my batchmates decided to join the annual by-batch choir competition. We thought our well crafted pieces were enough. But Batch 02 was really better. At least we were more creative.

And. The. House. We've ditched it off. After a gibberish conversation with the landlady, she allowed us to leave the house after we pay our last month's rent. Wait. Before your judgmental mind conjures nasty thoughts about us, here's the story. But on second thought, I don't give a damn what you think about us. you have no idea anyway. Plus this comp shop closes at 9:30, its 9:15 already. It was that time when I appreciated PaMachoManFeudalAgeStyle so much. To cut the story short, we were able to raise 6k in 20 hours and leave the poor house. Thanks to HappyGoLucky we had a place for our things to stay. At least until next year.

Then I'm in Lipa. After having explained to my mom why I non-challantly asked for Janury's rent, I met my best HS buds for a night of recollection and bonding. (READ: two cans of beer, perennial chika and few cigarette sticks) When we were dining at Pizza Hut SM Lipa (tnx to PrettyButHardyGirl's mom anyway), we noticed that the moronic waiters kept on taking the plates out everytime somebody finished his meal. I pointed that out to WordJunkie and she was fumed by this in-your-face insult. Yup we voices were taking over the place but so what?! We were paying customers for Cosmos' sake! WordJunkie could've obliterated all of them with her verbal arsenal but PrettyButHardyGirl was adamant. So we just left. But not before WordJunkie left a paper bomb of insults on the table. So we went to La Salle Caltex to have fun. Everything really went fine.. There I realized how I missed these people.. It feels so good knowing that after six fucking years of tested friendship, were still at it. Still getting the ire of one another but ending up laughing it all out. I love these people. Hearts poured and nuts cracked open. That's all you need to know reader.. And oh, we slept at ElegantMonarchButterfly's place and watched Quills. I swear that movie was so erotic. But not graphically pornographic. Paolo Dominict Umali should watch this. I went home 5 am the next morning.

Then few days after. I treated myself with a movie. After having read Carlo Vergara's graphic novel, I swore I'd watch it if some producers would find it sensible to turn this graphic ovel into motion picture. Thanks to Regal, ZsaZsa Zaturnah's in cinema houses. And damn it was good! Walang kokontra punyeta.

A day after the zsazsa experience, (read: an hour ago) I met six of the original 13 Judases for a can of beer. Haay.. It's 9:30 na.. Watch out for the next entry. :)

When I opened my friendster account tonight, I was not ready for surprizes. With usual nonchallance, I opened HumanPanacea's message, having in mind that maybe it was just another new year greeting just like the others. But no. I felt my right eyebrow automatically arch up a bit after reading it. But after having read the message he sent ElegantMonarchButterfly (twas actually the same message plus hatemongering), I was alarmed. No, that's too euphimistic. I was remorsed. Remorsed by the fact that the HumanPanacea I have onced look upon in HS for his logic and reason was actually a candidate all along for Disciple of Isagani Cruz Award.

When people ask me questions, the manner by which I answer is always dictated by how such questions were asked. My inner Jeorge becomes sensitive to the feelings associated with the manner by which questions are thrown. Hesitation coupled with curiosity always excites me. Confusion alerts me. Hate stirs hate so a reply is unnecessary. But nevertheless, i always try to elicit as reply. All for the purpose of Communicaton.

Another. Why does a person get disappointed with other people? Is it because someone has has failed to comply with the standards that Cosmos has set? Or is it because someone has failed to comply with the standards another person has set? But what if a person sets standards based on how he perceived the standards of the Cosmos? Is noncompliance to these standards become an automatic noncompliance to Cosmic standards?  If two people get disappointed with one another and both have reasons to do so, how can you tell who has the greater right to be disappointed with whom? Are arguments enough to sudjugate reasons and render them illogical?

Anyway, HumanPanacea remains a friend.

1. it actually feels bullshit, but dont you just feel ecstatic if you'd find out that you've just lashed someone else's ego without the other party knowing? i mean when someone keeps on lending you the fucking cold shoulder and contents himself making stupid communicatory gestures without sparing a second for eye contact, it feels nice knowing you got a better exam result. :)

2. today was one of those insipid days where i thought i've studied enough for an exam but end up getting confused with how different tissues looked like and mixing up their names. aargh. but anyway, at least im quite happy with the 113 result. im two points away from passing but who cares. am several points ahead of..

3. by the way the 116 exam result was also realeased earlier. unfortunately/fortunately i was there/not there  to hear my score and be proud/spare myself of shame. i decided not to attend the Tabon classes to spend time studying today's Histo Lab exam, which was actually spent on gobbledygoook with yana and sj.

4. by the way i moved to a new house already. a week ago actually. took my things off soleill's place and put them neatly inside prex's room. come inside and you'll think of someone who has just arrived from some far-flung country. the gazillion bags look so cute!

I had high hopes. I studied  two nights before and i was pretty determined not to start the histo exam series with a flunking result. I failed. It was even worse than the 1st embryo lab exam lasts sem. I got 42 points. Six points shorter than the 1st embryo lab exam a sem ago.

But i was surprized with myself. I took the grade nonchallantly and proceeded to do the scheduled exercise for this day. I knew the sinking-in would happen any moment then. I waited. Many things have happened already. Ate chie, Danne and I tediously forced the 1 ml 25% saline solution into the mice's stomach, one of them frightened me for i thought the dehydrating solution might have got into its lungs. The poor mouse went to shock and lost its coordination for some time. Minutes later Ruth's mouse became the first casualty. Its oral cavity frothed then died. I had no idea why. By then my failure hasn't sunk in yet. I finished the exercises last. Then something ironic happened. Gi and I went out of the anatomy building and took the jeep together. Gi topped the histo exams. A whopping 100 points (read: perfect.) in the lecture and 80-something points in the lab, more than twice my score. On the way out, I asked her how she studied for those exams. Being the prudent and down-to-earth she is, she said she didn't expect the grades she got, then she grinned. That was genuine I could tell.

When I reached the house, Yana and Sj told me their scores. Yana had assumed I got at least 70-something. When I told them my grade, they were in some state of disbelief. I took out my blue book and showed them. I went inside the room to change. There, it sank in. Tang ina, 42 lang ako. Sayang ang effort. Mali ang mode ng pag-aaral. Putang ina talaga.

Last night no matter how hard i tried to  lose consciousness by drowning myself into gabriel garcia marquez, my neurons remained on active mode and seemed to be feeding on thoughts of you. Of you laughing. Of you smiling. Of you simply looking at nothing. Before I even realized I was at it again, I've read 50 pages already. Then it came to me that even if i finish the whole book, i wont be able to find sleep. The only way do it, as I have proven for a fucking gazillion times, is to give in to it. Give in to the very thoughts that have been excruciating me for the last four semesters.

As much as I hate doing it, for the ill effects would would surely cook up another night of sleeplessness, there's nothing far better than giving in to these thoughts. Thoughts of you AND me laughung. Of you AND me smiling (while looking at each other's eyes at that). And of you AND me simply looking at nothingness, enjoying but our togetherness. I know very well I should not do it. I should never give i to the call of my thoughts but what can I do? I wanna sleep already. I wanna be pacified even for the next 20 or so hours only before thoughts of you strike me again. This time much stronger, that giving in (again) to these thoughts couldn't do much to pacify the rampage going on inside of me. That the only remedy is to battle with my head and purge these thoughts of you and try living a you-free life. Which I would think is a lot better.

But then a life without these thoughts of you is like not living at all. I go normal for days only to realize that I've been living like like Neville Longbottom's parents--alive, but void of soul. And shit, that's what's worst than dying. And sorry for the very destitute metaphor. To say that you are my soul may perhaps be an overstatement. But that's the most honest overstatement of my life. And only now did I muster enough courage to admit it. So there it goes. I could not tolerate every breath when the only one I actually breathe for is out of my system. Then I'd see you again. In your most innocent state. Then in my mind those toughts of you would be conjured from nowhere. Only to give me again the sweetest, most painful sorrow I've ever known.

Its just funny that I think of getting myself try some grass when I've been repeatedly stoned by you for four semesters now.

my feet readily left my comfort zone

with nonchallant steps and a grin

having nothing in mind

but thoughts of saturday.

i should've left all my complacency.

i was bludgeoned hard and repeatedly.

then i went back home hurriedly.

pain was better than ever.

okay.

so you want to clear something.

go on.

question whoever you want.

but please.

listen.

before.

you.

rant back.

its too common-sensical anyway.

i saw you again

and when i did

i realized it was never too late

to say to you.

happy christmas.

1. anat exams are two days away and i haven't bothered tinkering the books and memorizing various caprine muscles, organs and everything in between. i dunno. the internal exam-difficulty-determining system is lax. i realy do not think the coming exam will be easy. i only feel this way when exams aren't that hard. and i am right most of the time. tonight, im beginning to doubt it. i need to begin studying later. i need to pass. especially when i messed up last time.

tonight could be a very good time. my housemates will be engaging in a sleepless marathon for a biochem paper. i can study anat while they busy themselves with paperwork. uhm, let's just see.

2. tonight vetsoc had its last quiz contest for the sem. too bad i spent the whole afternoon watching season 1 of grey's anatomy while muching on boiled nuts and luncheon meat. the first time absy and i did the marathon was when we volunteered to check dr e's exams. which was tiring yet fun. plus, i get to enjoy that particular perk, right absy?

we finished at 2 am then went to my place to look for the tabon keys, which were nowhere to be found, then went to see the dvd. grey's anatomy could perhaps be the most enjoyable fiction closest to vetmed. (yeah they had human patients but with a little exercise of imagination, it wasn't so hard to correlate.) in the middle of episodes, absy and i would ask each other who in the batch we think is like this or that character. its so entertaining sobra. plus if im lucky, id get to see dr mcdreamy half naked.

btw absy's favorite character is christina. while mine is george.

3. yesterday, my two best friends finally saw you. minutes before, all my neurons were turning haywire, i was anticipating what would their reactions be with how you'd appeal. you fared poorly. elegantmonarchbutterfly even asked me where circus did i snatch you. the bitch. g on the other hand was implying the same thoughts, using much euphimised words in the process.

i know the coments were ultra-biased. its my bestfriends were talking about here. they know almost evrything. especially the emotional rantings i've thrown at them during my anxiety attacks. even before they've seen you, they have painted a monstrous image in their minds.

then came the outpour of advises. for the first time i was adamant of the things they suggest  i do. i understand them though. but i dont think they really understood me. then suddenly i felt like prettybuthardygirl being bludgeoned with nasty comments on D. now i understand how she feels. it pains her hearing those nasty comments on D from us. just the same as me hearing my two bestfriends saying nasty things about you. but whenever .org would actually be commenting on D, its always for prettybuthardygirl's good. but mine and prettybuthardygirl's case are different. so i cant say elegantmonarchbutterfly and g's advises are for my good.

i can never tell my heart who to love.

today, i do have a lot of things in mind. but perhaps the thing that caught me the most is the fact that after almost four weeks of keeping myself in LB, there's a chance that i might be coming home this weekends. i took someone elses's shifts this weekends, ill make her take mine next week. then maybe, just maybe, i can go home to batangas. i dunno. it just occurred to me that im missing my family so badly.

three years ago when i first got here, i was quite thrilled of my newfound freedom. i had no house to go home to. i had no curfew to meet. most especially i had no worried parents witing for me. all i had waiting for me without conditions whatsoever is a dormitory, then an apartment.

i lived my life very well. after three years elbi has given me an idea of what there is to see outside my comfort zone. i was exposed to so many situations that actually made me felt an adult. i had to think very well and extract all my mental juices if i badly want a good outcome. i had to be responsible for my actions, otherwise, someone else would suffer, or i'd have to pay a high prize. i also learned that learning is never always confined to the corners of the classroom. and that the one you'd be telling the next generation isnt the exams you topped, but the moments you gut drunk hard with your friends. all these i learned here in elbi. all these things sure contribute to the person i had become.

during the three years i have enjoyed so much that i've gone home lesser every year. i went home every week during my first year here. not only because i miss my family, but definitely because i hated it at the dorm. then the next two years, i've been going home less frequent. twice a month on the average.

but this week, after talking to my mom on the phone, there was something in her i missed so much. sure i gave her a good laugh, thanks to my sometimes almost threatrical nature. maybe its the sharp laughter that she exudes readily at my blurt-outs. or maybe its just the sight of her, the woman from whose orifice i come. waha. i mean i love my mama. from her i learned so many things that i hold dearly. and her words readily embraced me during that one moment i was being true to the family.

not only do i miss her. the whole five of them. i miss my papa. the person whose own mastery of silent sarcasm and passion for family i always try to assimilate. from him i learned to be logical. to set my priorities straight. to keep in mind what is essential. to be a family man. he's the man whose manner of imparting virtues is by actions and very rarely by words. yes he never spoke, but i knew no matter what i am still his son. and he's proud of me.

and of course the three others.

the sister who was always the bitch when were fighting and nagging, but the lady when we would lie side by side and talk about her and her current bf, and what's been happening the whole time i was gone, and everything else. i am glad that in her 18 years, she has been doing the family a good job. an achiever in her own way. haha.. though she can really be very bitchy. :)

the brother who has become the blacksheep who's always entertained the flock. he did things he wasn't suppose to do. he has brought my parents together in the guidance offices of various schools. he has been my object of hate for so many instances in the past. but you know what? maybe i've grown tired of hating him that i ended up loving him dearly instead. there sure are lot of things to hate about him. but being the patrick he is, there's nothing else to do to change him. maybe out of sheer desperation i have long accepted the possible fact that not all our loved ones would end up the way we want them to. they just have to find the road to happiness themselves. but that never meant leaving them alone. i just have to be contented walking along him on the side road. making sure he doesnt throw himself on a cliff if he gets tired. :)

then the old baby who never had the chance to own a phone because the two abovementioned were too.. uhm.. needy. oh no.. uhm.. make that selfish. haha. too bad. but he doesn't care about it i think. hehe. my youngest brother is the one who shrinks at my killer looks. the one who always laughs hard with me. and the one who neverendingly saturates me with stories in which he plays the panacea-tic protagonist. yup he's going through rough road of growing up. but im sure he'll get through it. am at his back. :)

now i should really go home this friday.

today started like any other days. only with a few exceptional things that are quite note worthy. for one, i could not believe i actually completed two successive anat lab classes and went out alive. normally, fridays are just lazy days where i could stay at bed until 9:30 (the morning session of anat lab starts at 9 am) , thinking if i should attend the morning or not. for around thirty minutes i'd ponder. if in case my conscience takes over, ill go to shower at at 9:45. upon entering the anat lobby only would the guilt sink in and i would carefully get out of doc m's sight upon going inside the room with the lab gown already worn and the bag at my back. then i'll blend in. most often that not, i'd hear doc m innuendo on my coming to class late. i'll just smile.

but today was different. maybe because this is the last anat lab class for this sem. or maybe, only now did the essence of anat lab classes sink in. whatever, what is important is at least i enjoyed it. with all my other batchmates from other lab sections swarming the anat lab to review.

honestly if there is a subject i am afraid most and tops my to-fail-list, its anat 2. anat 1 last sem was already hard. and its just the dog we were busying ourselves with. in anat 2, we tinkered with the horse, the goat, the pig, and the chicken. that's like anat 1 times 4. yes i exeggerate a little but that's basically what it's like. maybe i was just so stupid, or maybe the subject was really difficult. my average for the last two exams is even less than 45. i need to pass the third and the finals, otherwise i'll be doomed.

also, today we had the most humid and utterly sticky 113 lecture class. at 3:30, the downpour seemed very normally and even sweet. but when the sun went back at around 4 pm and the 50 plus of us were confined in a small room with the only e-fan reserved for the teacher, we wished it had not rained at all. golly gee.. the room went so humid that everybody began fanning himself off and wiping the sticky sweat off his face. it was so uncomfortable. how were we suppose to absorb the lesson with that killer humidity?! and the lessons themselves were killers. literally. i dreaded the day i had thought of taking an ms in nutrition someday. my god. this subject ranks second in my to-fail-list.

the killer humidity seemed to bring out the animal in people too. nox went crazier as ever with the alpha-alpha episode. twas a good thing though. i was able to release all the stress in the world with a very good and sharp mock-laugh. absy on the other hand  turned into a she-bear. during the class i was throwing glances at her and i knew at once how uncomfortable she was. and by the end of the class when everybody was not paying her attention she growled at the top of her lungs about the physio lab manuals. i was surprized. she was so irritated that she didn't want to go to tabon today.

i went to buy the chicks 3 likos of feeds and a 50-watt bulb before i went to tabon. ahh.. the chicks. i mean chickens. they've grown so fast that i couldn't believe they were the small fluffy creatures brought to us 4 weeks ago. i feel maternal being with them. whaha! good that i experienced raising chickens because it is so damn good. they can be an outlet of stress release too. :)

tomorrow would be another killer day. its anat exam tomorrow. i need to pass this one. i really really need to.

the greatest misfortune of the universe has befallen upon me. readers, i missed a major lab exam in zotc 116. and do not bother getting the details. not that i am ashamed of it. (which by the way is partly true) i just do not want to cook up something that would in the future be used against me. i have stated my case and that's the end of it. i am willing to take the finals. more am i willing to go the college secretary. yes i lied. and that's all you need to know. but if there is something i am proud of myself in this costly situation, that would be standing firm while facing the music.

actually it never really sank to me that i got a zero mark for a major exam. who cares. and there's no bitterness with that statement. who cares. am going to study hard and nail the finals. in the end i'll be the one coming out happy. i wont fail 116. i am so much better than that.

shit. im not into writing again. punyeta naman.

after the abominable histo exams last friday, the batch decided to let all the frustrations out and maybe to just hang around while sharing our own piecdes of shit lives. or maybe only i have a shit life. they all seem happy anyway. but anyway, on the way to cafe, i found them huddled inside that cafe below isis cafe. (got it?) and few steps away i realized that there was a piece of stinking shit sitting on the stair steps. but the hell. upon entering, i was greeted by the most surprizing thing as much as going out with 04 is concerned. with that, i was caught off guard. but whatever. i am so fucking frustrated ( twice as intense after the surprize; rose to the nth degree seconds before jay's car went off ) and i need alcohol. badly. after a little stay and some talk, we decided to go to bayan. nox brought along a fine bottle of chardonnay, a can of sausages, a can of corned beef and 2 cans of salmon stuff (s0syal.). we bought two bottles of tequila. the place was far from what i imagined. i was prepossesing of a fine beach line along laguna bay but what greeted me was a paved elevation with stone steps leading down the murky and destitute water of laguna bay. but whatever. i needed alcohol then. no ugly place could distract me. then it went. chardonnay and tequila make a good combination really. maybe even better if i wolfed down dinner first.

because i threw up. maybe the tequila-chardonnay combo was hurting my empty tummy, and my body's reaction was to throw it out. but the reason could also be something emotional. to think that i was a decision away from getting to where i've constatly imagined where i should be, but for the sake of self-preservation i ruined. then went the batch's funny teasing. to which i quickly retotorted:

"and who got me pregnant?"

silly remark. what was i thinking?!

after an hour and 2 hamburgers to soothe mytumyy, jae wanted to go to apec. and also pala kase the guard told us the place was off for people around 11 pm. twas 11:30 already. then we speeded to apec. but not before we stopped by absy's place to fetch some water and ice, bought cigarette packs and beers and chasers, and waited for mike and oskee.

apec. this abandoned place has been the witness of some of insoc's wildest nights--patintero at wee hour of the morning, some wild driving, ghost story telling, and booze. this is the perfect place actually. almost no pigoy bothered patrolling around here. that friday night, the 11 of us continued the session here. on the cold pavement we all sat, and talked, and boozed then boozed again.  just perfect for me because the almost incessant talking has activated the listener in me and made me forget the frustration at least for a while. the few hours stay at apec was enough to make most of light-headed and to bring us beyond allowed alcohol unit consumption. by this time we were almost rolling down the pavement, racing, taking pictures of our drunken stupor and shouting. the last of which was something i am good at. thanks to absy's party last year.

by around 3 am, when every body thought its time to go home, jae asked who wanted to go to forestry. all hands shot up.

all boozed and in stupor, jae parked around the forestry admin's building. then there we did the stupid things people in drunken stupor would do- thrash talked, bathed in a pile of dried leaves, laughed out loud among others. yeas it was super ridiculous but who cares. we were drunk. and college students. we had all the licence in the world to do those. :)

when the whole frenzy was over, jae dropped abbie and i at jollibee junction. then we went straight to 7-11 to fix ourselves and somehow tame the alcohol in our system. this is where intsik and i bond best--during periods of alcohol takeovers. like before, we talked about almost anything we could possibly talk about. this time, over cups of coffee. then, in the middle of our conversation, i realized that three 7-11 personnel were looking at me quizically first, then imitating my tone after. and the hell they were laughing! me?! they were laughing at me?! how dare these retarded fungi-faced morons! because the alcohol was not entirely out of my system yet and the amount that remained was still enough to transform me into a nasty bitch, i told absy,

"wanna see a show?"

not waiting for her reply, i immediately took an ice cream bar, went to the counter, slammed the item. then i sharply said,

"can you stop being so retarded, the three of you?! so what if i'm being queer?! i am a paying customer for god'd sake!"

then i turned to absy.

"can we just get the hell out of here?! i couldn't stand the moronic athmosphere here!"

then absy and i left. minutes after, i was so amazed by what i just did. i've never let out the inner bitch in me! for a while i was afraid the three stooges might go after absy and i but good thing they didn't. when we got to absy's place, we just watched grey's anatomy and forgot what happened.

pero in fairness. ang taray ng gabi. pati ako. wehe. ;)

whaha.. finally. after what seemed like eternity i finished putting all the entries here. just got back from lipa and left an angry mom and a father i had not spoken with in a week. ha!

mama didn't find it amusing that i  get a job this summer since she wanted me to enrol for summer classes instead. i was painfully explaining to her that i could do both. she was not sure if i could handle both and to put that across, she had to transform into a mad woman screaming around the house. i was not moved. the rebel in me just wathed her do her show, then retreated until dinner time, then told her i'd get the job come hell or high water. she still wouldn't say yes. i didn't care. twas a good thing that the date of the training was moved, i could plan for it better. :)

i dunno what happened to papa. the day i arrived in lipa was also the day he knew my youngest brother would have to repeat his second high school year.. poor papa.. but really, i have left my youngest brother to himself. not like i've abandoned all hope or domething, its just that i've tried another strategy. i told him to do whatever he pleases, but think of ud first, and what's expected of him. reverse psychology ata yun..

shet.. missed elbi so much!! came to the house and find it very clean.. as in.. kakahiya, di ako nakatulong. and finally, winston lights. this is life! my raison d'etre!

i am so sad.. sj has finally decided to leave cvm for good after flunking biochem.. haay.. and danjo dude and limbay were dismissed. why are these things happening?! i mean, these guys, im gonna miss them, badly. haay buhay..

 i still dunno what my grade in anat 2 is, and i still have a removal exam this thursday and i havent studied a thing.

pakshet.

 and my favorite couple in the world just broke up. after almost a year.

A YEAR!

now i wonder what's next sem will be with the killer P's.

-para

-pharma

-patho

lalo na yung deadly duo ng immuno at micro.

juice ko. mag-call center nalang kaya muna ako, tapos after a year babalik ako para at least un level ng enthusiasm okay. ano kaya?

e pano naman kung mawili ako mashado diba?

whatever na nga lang. 

im here in lipa and in a few minutes hell is going to unleash its full fury on me. pakshet. i nid to go to diliman to pursue the sumer classes! i really should! come hell or hell or hell!!

nyeta naman kasi si doc marte.

im back in elbi now. alone in the house, i decided to finally do some marketing and try to save up. so glad i bought a book to keep me sane. last night i was suffering from a very bad headache that i missed an affair today, which after learning from a friend, was fortunately postponed and was moved to the 24th.

got my phone back. after what seemed like an eternity of seclusion from the texting civilization, i texted everyone in my phonebook (at least the glob users) and told them the good news. almost no one texted back.

and to verify that miracles exist, hear me. i passed anat 2!! maybe that really was out of pity (I LAB YU DOC M!!), or out of sheer wit but whatever. I passed! after several days of sleepless nights and overeating! waha! i am a fucking survivor. or maybe not yet. there's still the 4 in zotc 113.

ah.. i miss my batchmates. :)

okay. i watched the prince and me earlier in star movies and damn, it swept me off my feet. at first i thought t'was because the guy was uber hot with that matching sexy accent (he was suppose to be danish, but the accent was so australian to me). then i thought twas maybe because julia styles was there, she really is a sensible actress and i liked her so much in monalisa smile (also in the bourne series, though her role there was so undermining her). as i was watching on, i realized that the feeling was partly due to the movie's smart twists and in bulk because i am missing someone very badly. now dont even ask.

i have just arrived today from lipa and it really is a relief, two nights ago the may aunts and uncles brought their kids along to the house to celebrate my brother's high school graduation, which came two years late. but as they say, better very late than never. that was the second time this year that the whole extended family gathered together and it does feel good knowing that the reunions we had when i was still in the elementary years were still the reunions we're having now, with the elders engaged into a sort of perennial chikka about almost anything, and the younger ones (my age bracket) outside the house (im not included, i stayed in the house with the elders) and with the youngest ones staying along plucking the guitars and tinkering the PC. and since we were the guests this time, the house was in a clutter after they left and the six of us had to was every glass, sweep the floors fix the beds and do what else has to be done. Hmm, t'was a nice bonding moment for us anyway.

and fuckshit. i really was so annoyed with the cabbie driving danny ad oswald in the amazing race. i mean, they came in first last time, which means they had the chance to go to the race first. but all went terribly wrong with that dragon head and drum part where they really trailed behind, plus the cabbie was.. gr.. kainis. but anyway, they weren't eliminated, so its okay. i just hope they could catch-up. i just hope the evil cousins wont make it to the final three. kainis sila, lalu na yung vertically challeged, kala molaging inaapi, ansama naman ng ugali.

i'll be having this affair this wednesday and i really hope it won't be postponed again. pucha sana lang talaga.

i actually am to start work friday this week. I thought everything would be fine after the training and after i've gone home to lipa. that night i came home, i felt this pain on below my ear and three days later after a licenced nurse have told me about it, it had full blown into a stage 1 mumps. fuckshit.

the pain i think kept growing and every night there is this painful mild pounding below my ear, which kept me from getting asleep. i have been taking three 500 mg mefenemic acid for the past two days and i dont care anymore whether that dosage is harmful or not. i just need a relief! my threshold of pain, i realized, isn't as high anymore as it used to be. plus i had to put on this home remedy of putting tina with suka on the painful area every night. kamusta naman ako diba?

but before i left lipa yesteday, i think i have finally succeeded in making mama agree with my idea of leaving school for a year and get myself into a call center firm. i dunno, she's kinda mellowed at that timne after papa tacitly gave me a "yes" when he didn't object after i asked him about it. (which he later took back claiming that just misunderstood his silence for a "yes". adding that he and mama have always been tenacious with a "no") but then again, i feel that if i really assert that i won't register for next semester, they could not do anything about it. and just accept my decision with, yes, heavy hearts.

but after i got back here in elbi and saw the things and people i'd be leaving if ever i do go into a call center, i suudenly saw myself caught in a major dilemma. i thought how excited i was for the next sem and how excited i was meeting my batchmates again, and how excited i was taking the killer subjects, and you know... all of these came surging into my head the moment i inhaled the elbi air. i thought i really could not leave elbi. shet.

but then again i have my reasons for getting into the call center. the family is going well financially i guess, but not that well as i see it. now that papa still doesnt have a job, i feel its my duty to somehow do my share of sacrifices. especially when patrick has just graduated from high school. next, after three years of taking vetmed, i feel kinda saturated already. yes i am excited about next sem, but im quite sure that the excitement would last only for  a few weeks. sadly i think the real enthusiasm has extinguished already. and to somehow revive it, i want to be exposed to a new environment. to cut it short, i need to miss school. plus i am afraid that i might fail a subject this sem. maybe next year i'd be more ready.

but then im still confused.