journal of a struggling vet student

a few days ago while alone in my apartment, i fought the impulse to miss work (again) and dragged myself to the bath. minutes before, crazy thoughts have begun spinning around my head and texted nearly eveyryone in my phonebook to tell them that i dont want to go back to work anymore.

which was soo weird. i know my work can be really demanding sometimes, but its weird that whenever i enter the premises, i seem to forget that just moments ago, i was whining about going to work. the moment i sit on my comfy chair, all unfinished takss of yestrerday are gradually completed and all pending meetings are attended. by me. to think that hours ago i was in the verge of texting mama that i dont want to continue going to work. i find the whole thing discombobulating.

here's what i realized about the whole thing. in solitude, you think about everything. crazy thoughts pop inside your head and no matter how hard you try to banish them, nothing good happens since there is noone to distract yourself with. although you give birth to brilliant thoughts when you are alone, you are prone to being frustrated by almost any thought.

haay. how could i have thought of leaving the job when my whole life depended on it! i have my apartment, i can buy what i want, and i have great friends! plus id be confirmed as an ACE coach soon! golly.

speaking of confirmation, my supervisor came to me yesterday and showed my the small pile of paper she'll send the HCD. it turned out to be my confirmation paper! i had to feign boredom just not to look over eager about it. but man it felt really nice. finally diba.

plus we have a new ACE coach on the team. and she is one helluva companion. we all love her! welcome to the team,apple!

back to the solitude thing. i still wont get a companion. i realized just now that it all happened not only because i was alone, but also because i didnt have a good day's sleep then. so i resolved to sleep earlier and wake up late. :)

i spent the whole day day-dreaming about receiving the ACE coach pay on the next payday. I eman i told you already that my supervisor came to me and showed me me confirmation papers right? so there. plus the bigger boss instructed my supervisor to have me confirmed as an ACE coach rather than an agent. (looong story mare.) just in case i finally get the pay i've long deserved, i immediately thought of the things i am going to buy. who can blame me for being materialistic at times right? i guess everyone who's close to getting a better salary is entittled to being one once in a while.

it's a good thing that i am rediscovering work. people have become a little nicer and the whole thing becaomes part of my daily routine. but maybe my growing affinity to work is partly due to the fact that i might get my well-deserved pay on the 25th. i just cant imagine the disappointment if it diesnt happen.. whatever. going back, i feel that somehow i am beginning to regain my purpose and do my best to coach the associates on the floor. really now, especially the cute ones.

hahaha. the cute ones. i feel like a troglodytish damsel in distress whenever i am to coach cute guys. you know, if you are an ACE coach, you'll involuntarily remember the names of these cute guys. and since you dont want to give the impression that you truly find them cute, you go like, what's your last name again? something i am terribly good at. and if you're quite lucky, you'd get a sweet smile after the surname. o yeah. :) (then i realize, why is this paragraph in the second person?)

after my weekend escapade to los baños weeks ago, i was able to bring home two of absy's books. im reading on markus zusak's the book thief now. reading the first five pages was boring but after that, it was really one helluva read. before i realized, ive gone through 200 pages already. the author has this way of getting the reader hooked. his constant habit of making the readers peep through future happenings is just irresistable, making you readd more and more. wise guy. plus i love it that the backdrop of the whole novel is pre-WWII Germany. i've always been fascinated with the holocaust and this book just feeds on my fascination. havent finished it though.

while waiting for a team to be coached to arrived, i tried to exercise my head and actually wrote a brief passage. it's shitty i know. but what's so note worthy about that was the spontaneous flow of ideas. after 5 minutes of moving the pen i was like.. hmm.. am i really capable of this? more scriblings like that and maybe i can create a short story. haha.

i just love it when your head and fingers are somewhat engaged while you tap leisurely on the keyboard. sana bukas ulit.

ayun. nawala ang coin purse ko. kasama na ang natira sa allowance ko ngayong araw at ang mga susi sa apartment ko, pati nung apartment namen sa elbi.

naaalala ko tuloy nung una kong nakita yung coin purse na yun sa bahay namen maraming buwan na ang nakaraan. hindi ko alam kung nasa elbi pa ba ako nun o nag-AWOl na ba ako nung nakita ko yun sa bahay. pero dahil may mga elbi memories akong naasociate sa coin purse na yun, siguro nga nasa elbi pa ako nun. hindi ko alam kung kanino yun. nagustuhan ko lang bigla kasi mas malaki siya sa dati kong ginagamit. pwede ko syang lagyan ng celfone, at kung mga anik-anik pa bukod sa pera. 

dati, may nakalaylay na hawakan pa yun na talaga namang kinawilihan kong paglaruan. pag may mga pagkakataon sa tambayan na wala akong magawa, gagawin ko siyang parang sinaunang sling na papaikutin ko gamit ang isang kamay habang iniisip kung ang force ba na involve ay centripetal o centrifugal (centripetal un.) Hanggang isang araw, napansin ko na unti-unti nang  napipigtas ang hawakan mula sa pinagkakatahian nito. nung una ok lang. hanggang sa dumating yung panahong naiinis na ako sa hitsura nya. kaya pinigtas ko. parang asong pinutulan ng mahabang buntot. mistulang isang bagong anak na biik na sa ginupitan ng buntot. ganung mga metapora. naging uber-mini pouch bag-pouch bag-an sya pagkatapos nun. natuwa naman ako. sa tuwing bibitbitin ko sya dati, mejo mahirap na. kaya mas madals nasa loob nalang sha ng bag ko.

isa sa pinakamaayos na gamit sa kanya ay lagayan ng yosi at lighter. nakakatuwa. sa tuwing gudto kong mgayosi ilalabas ko sila sa maliit ng coin purse na yun. nasa ofis na ko nung naisip ko na anlaking gamit pala nun sakin. lumipas pa ang mga buwan. napansin kong yung plastc sa loob niya ay unti-unti nang natutuklap. pero nandun pa rin yung magandang anyong panlabas niya. kaya ok lang. madalas, inilalagay ko sya sa bulsa ng jacket ko, tutal kasya naman. ok lang naman. pero may isang jacket ako na walang bulsa. kaya pag sout ko yung jacket na yon, uhm eto pala, hawak-hawak ko lang siya. hanggang makabalik ako sa loob ng ACE lab.

pero kanina. napansin kong wala siya sa station ko. at wala siya sa bulsa ko. nung bumaba ako sa may lost and found para tingnan, wala. nung sinilip ko yung labas ng ofis at yung pantry, wala den. nawawala na siya.

haay coin purse. nasan ka na ba?

ayun. nawala ang coin purse ko. kasama na ang natira sa allowance ko ngayong araw at ang mga susi sa apartment ko, pati nung apartment namen sa elbi.

naaalala ko tuloy nung una kong nakita yung coin purse na yun sa bahay namen maraming buwan na ang nakaraan. hindi ko alam kung nasa elbi pa ba ako nun o nag-AWOl na ba ako nung nakita ko yun sa bahay. pero dahil may mga elbi memories akong naasociate sa coin purse na yun, siguro nga nasa elbi pa ako nun. hindi ko alam kung kanino yun. nagustuhan ko lang bigla kasi mas malaki siya sa dati kong ginagamit. pwede ko syang lagyan ng celfone, at kung mga anik-anik pa bukod sa pera. 

dati, may nakalaylay na hawakan pa yun na talaga namang kinawilihan kong paglaruan. pag may mga pagkakataon sa tambayan na wala akong magawa, gagawin ko siyang parang sinaunang sling na papaikutin ko gamit ang isang kamay habang iniisip kung ang force ba na involve ay centripetal o centrifugal (centripetal un.) Hanggang isang araw, napansin ko na unti-unti nang  napipigtas ang hawakan mula sa pinagkakatahian nito. nung una ok lang. hanggang sa dumating yung panahong naiinis na ako sa hitsura nya. kaya pinigtas ko. parang asong pinutulan ng mahabang buntot. mistulang isang bagong anak na biik na sa ginupitan ng buntot. ganung mga metapora. naging uber-mini pouch bag-pouch bag-an sya pagkatapos nun. natuwa naman ako. sa tuwing bibitbitin ko sya dati, mejo mahirap na. kaya mas madals nasa loob nalang sha ng bag ko.

isa sa pinakamaayos na gamit sa kanya ay lagayan ng yosi at lighter. nakakatuwa. sa tuwing gudto kong mgayosi ilalabas ko sila sa maliit ng coin purse na yun. nasa ofis na ko nung naisip ko na anlaking gamit pala nun sakin. lumipas pa ang mga buwan. napansin kong yung plastc sa loob niya ay unti-unti nang natutuklap. pero nandun pa rin yung magandang anyong panlabas niya. kaya ok lang. madalas, inilalagay ko sya sa bulsa ng jacket ko, tutal kasya naman. ok lang naman. pero may isang jacket ako na walang bulsa. kaya pag sout ko yung jacket na yon, uhm eto pala, hawak-hawak ko lang siya. hanggang makabalik ako sa loob ng ACE lab.

pero kanina. napansin kong wala siya sa station ko. at wala siya sa bulsa ko. nung bumaba ako sa may lost and found para tingnan, wala. nung sinilip ko yung labas ng ofis at yung pantry, wala den. nawawala na siya.

haay coin purse. nasan ka na ba?

dude. the movie isnt even pornographic. come on.

it was ang Ang Lee movie!!!!

but whatver. if you think it is, then sorry.

leche. sana hindi puro french diba.

why the hell did i ever watch hidtory boys just now. ang ganda punyeta.

"..that is so fucking brief! i was looking fo someting more... lingering." ------> ayyeeeppaahh!

wahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

i love it!!!!! in manner of before sunset!!!!! even more!!!!!! waaaaahhh!!!!!!!!!

in two days, my former ACE trainer will be relocating to bacoor to be a lab supervisor. not that i am sad, (of course neither that i am happy). i guess i just want to share something new about the lab. funny it is that in the middle of trying to write about something you'll realize that there has not been enough emotions that would fuel the whole effort.

oh well.

these pat weels i suddenly realized that i haven't been enjoying my salary at all. for the record: i still did not get the ACE coach pay. but that didn't stop me from downing a few bottles while singing my heart out together with some office friends. which was followed by a super heavy meal at some fast food chain. cost me around 800 in total. when i got home and actually divided the salry for the expenses, boom. i only had enough left for two week's allowance. i felt so pityful after realizing that i've been such a one-day-millionaire. before, my weakness had been books. now that i get to experience the party places Lipa has to offer, a considerable portion of my salary's been drained to these places. and i always go home feeling a pang of regret. this has to end.

starting this payday, i resolve to not going anywhere during the payday and allocating my salary to the expenses first. this would actually make me consider how much is to spent out for having fun. i dont want to end up wondering where everything went and worrying how to make ends meet with the dregs of my salary. hahaha.

shit. these really are not the things i want to say. haay.

okay. i have to say i'm quite happy that someone will finally leave. this is me doing such a bravado. i felt that ever since, this person did not really make everyone of us welcome. this person makes moves at her own time and it really bothers us when she'd be nasty at one minute and be nice at the next. but, could it just be me asking for too much? have i keeping a firm stand on how we should be treated as newbies and from the start, had i been the one who had been secretly wanting the dictate the rules? am i just jealous that she WAS the rule and that the whole lab actually revolves about what she says? maybe.

but i would never deny that maybe, there'd be some relief the minute she assumes her role as a lab supervisor. i mean, i dont wish her ill. i really wish her all the best because she us damn good at what she does. apart from scaring the hell out of the coaches. heehee. but i guess her absence would just enable most of us to crack out of our shells and somewhat expand our personalities more, no more scared to think about what she would think.

but i realized that her being like that had something to do with her being in the lab for more than a year and keeping ties with the tenured people of the lab. plus she is exclusive. what would happen to her there? will she be able to mute her personality and blend with the pre-existing atmosphere? or will she lay all her cards at once and exercise her old ways? i ahve no idea.

to you: thank you soo much for opening the avenue for me. until now i really had no idea how should i relate with you so i can only always hope that you'll arrive in a good mood. but i wish you all the best. i objectively believe that you are very good and the new lab is very lucky to have someone as competent as you. i hope you got the dandelion blurb. i hope we'll see again. :)