journal of a struggling vet student

ryanini

there comes a time when you just reach the end of the road. and that's just it. just the end of the road. no glamorous finish line whatsoever. just the end of the road. and i think this is already it for ryanini. i definitely feel (and know) that ryanini has brought my life to a whole new level. especially back in college. but like everything else behind me, i know that i've outgrown this. i can't keep on writing down my everyday mishaps only to not learn from them at the end of the day. i've realized how much mistakes and shit i've gone through over the years and most of them have gone on paper through ryanini. but the funny part there is that over the years, most of them are recurring actually. i can practically classify my entries here into two categories: extremely happy ones and the ones that're utterly pissed and frustrated at something or someone (the latter dominating the entry-count without a doubt). and well, i guess it's become an unhealthy cycle. if anything, it's as if ryanini's serving like a living reminder of how stupid i am to keep on committing the same mistakes over and over again.

i think it's time to outgrow yesterday's mistakes. ryanini is definitely NOT one of them.

but right now, i have to say goodbye.

i love you ryanini. as much as i love the memories you have. you'll forever remind me of that phase of me that went through all the crap of college (and early parts of my working months). i've been putting off this entry for quite some time now. trying to convince myself i can get back in the rhythm of writing again. i do miss writing. i love babbling. squabbling. rambling about almost anything and everything that happened in my day. but like i said, i think i need to grow up.

before i do finally close this part of me, i do have some parting things i'd like to put down. just a few things to remind of where i am and where i'm getting off. so here goes....

....i'm resolved with the fact that i'll be single for at least the next five years.

i know i've told quite a handful of people already about this. but yeah. i know five years is relatively a long period of time. i did say this half a year ago. so i guess i only have four and a half years to go. what brought this resolution about? well, a hundred percent success rate at failure sometimes just tells you you need to slow things down. three failures in a span of six months is enough to burn you out. especially if they're just utter failures. the worst part is that i've already had hunches before they all started on their downward spiral track. but well, i still try to give the situations the benefit of the doubt. 'cos you know, i told myself i'll try not to be as jaded as i already am. shitty part though is that three times out of three, my fears and instincts kept proving themselves right. it's kinda hard when you're working against your own better judgement and trying to play the devil's advocate against the fact that you know deep within you that something's bound to head south. but there you are, still trying to see things through. just in case. point still stands though, one hundred percent success rate at failure. 

sad part is that i still have some pretty fresh burns from some of them. i still get very upset every time i hear something about them. bitterness is an ugly companion. i should know. some ended pretty unnaturally. i'm not used to yanking people out of my life. it's simply just not normal. well, i've always had a strong sense of self-preservation. and with that one, it held up pretty strongly. so goodbye to you. and you. and you. good riddance. i hope you all have good lives. err, not really. haha.

like i've always said, if it's for me, it'll come. right now, i'm starting to think nothing's for me out there. no bitterness here.

...work is just work. i'll take it for now.

i can prolly go on and on and on about the hundred reasons why i don't feel fulfilled with the kind of job i have right now. but there's only one that keeps me from throwing it away. and that's the fact that this is definitely better than what most people have. so okay, i'll take it. and besides, it's not as bad as i always make it seem to be. i just feel like sometimes, it's not the kind of work i've been cut out to do. i feel like i have so much more to offer but i don't know how to bring it to the table. right now, i'll make do with what i have. it's not really bad. in fact, it's not bad at all.

i'll do my best and kick some ass because i know i can. and when i'm finally in the position to get me a better position (or job?), i'll make it sure it's aligned with the kind of work i've been dreaming of. which, right now, is actually still in question. i think for the most part, that's the reason why i can't leave work. 'cos outside of it, i don't quite know what i want to do. i know what i don't want to do. but that's sort of beside the question. so now, i need to come up first with what i really want. then i guess by then, my rants would be a little more valid. but until then, i'll just suck it in and shut up.

i'll get through this too. with flying colors if i have to.

...boredom is death. but there's nothing i can do about it. or can't i?

my lack of a better entertainment for myself has put me in that side again where i deem everything boring. can you blame me if i have a short-attention span? sometimes i feel like i have the capacity to retain interest of a chair. and my recent turn towards laziness to move has brought about even more boredom. it's amazing how much lazier i've become. saturdays have now been relegated so sleeping and tv. period. anything more than that would make me feel more tired than i actually am. i blame this completely to the lack of a better thing to do. or maybe my creativity has dulled up over the past few months.

i miss spontaneity. and all the wonderful crap that came with it. i shall be my spontaneous self again soon. baguio was love. and so was the friend i was with. i'm thinking i should tap more into happier avenues like that. the world is much much colorful and happier than the picture i paint it to be. i owe it more credit. i'll try optimism for a change. but not too much of it. i might suffocate and die. haha.

...diet is still on top of my list. i'm just too lazy to work out.

i know i know i know. it's been the nagging theme of my life. diet and the lack of any rigorous physical activity. i used to do hardcore badminton. but well, that too died down. prolly cos, again, saturdays are now sleep days. atkin's worked out for a while. but after a month, i'm starting to get sick. and i can't seem to get better from it anymore. so i'm sort of laying off atkin's for now. i'll get back on it as soon as i get my immunity up. as for working out, i know i'll come up with something.

i miss badminton. i'll play it again. soon.

...

i love you ryanini. but i must let go.

we might (or shall) meet again in the future.

: o )