journal of a struggling vet student

dude. the movie isnt even pornographic. come on.

it was ang Ang Lee movie!!!!

but whatver. if you think it is, then sorry.

ayun. nawala ang coin purse ko. kasama na ang natira sa allowance ko ngayong araw at ang mga susi sa apartment ko, pati nung apartment namen sa elbi.

naaalala ko tuloy nung una kong nakita yung coin purse na yun sa bahay namen maraming buwan na ang nakaraan. hindi ko alam kung nasa elbi pa ba ako nun o nag-AWOl na ba ako nung nakita ko yun sa bahay. pero dahil may mga elbi memories akong naasociate sa coin purse na yun, siguro nga nasa elbi pa ako nun. hindi ko alam kung kanino yun. nagustuhan ko lang bigla kasi mas malaki siya sa dati kong ginagamit. pwede ko syang lagyan ng celfone, at kung mga anik-anik pa bukod sa pera. 

dati, may nakalaylay na hawakan pa yun na talaga namang kinawilihan kong paglaruan. pag may mga pagkakataon sa tambayan na wala akong magawa, gagawin ko siyang parang sinaunang sling na papaikutin ko gamit ang isang kamay habang iniisip kung ang force ba na involve ay centripetal o centrifugal (centripetal un.) Hanggang isang araw, napansin ko na unti-unti nang  napipigtas ang hawakan mula sa pinagkakatahian nito. nung una ok lang. hanggang sa dumating yung panahong naiinis na ako sa hitsura nya. kaya pinigtas ko. parang asong pinutulan ng mahabang buntot. mistulang isang bagong anak na biik na sa ginupitan ng buntot. ganung mga metapora. naging uber-mini pouch bag-pouch bag-an sya pagkatapos nun. natuwa naman ako. sa tuwing bibitbitin ko sya dati, mejo mahirap na. kaya mas madals nasa loob nalang sha ng bag ko.

isa sa pinakamaayos na gamit sa kanya ay lagayan ng yosi at lighter. nakakatuwa. sa tuwing gudto kong mgayosi ilalabas ko sila sa maliit ng coin purse na yun. nasa ofis na ko nung naisip ko na anlaking gamit pala nun sakin. lumipas pa ang mga buwan. napansin kong yung plastc sa loob niya ay unti-unti nang natutuklap. pero nandun pa rin yung magandang anyong panlabas niya. kaya ok lang. madalas, inilalagay ko sya sa bulsa ng jacket ko, tutal kasya naman. ok lang naman. pero may isang jacket ako na walang bulsa. kaya pag sout ko yung jacket na yon, uhm eto pala, hawak-hawak ko lang siya. hanggang makabalik ako sa loob ng ACE lab.

pero kanina. napansin kong wala siya sa station ko. at wala siya sa bulsa ko. nung bumaba ako sa may lost and found para tingnan, wala. nung sinilip ko yung labas ng ofis at yung pantry, wala den. nawawala na siya.

haay coin purse. nasan ka na ba?

ayun. nawala ang coin purse ko. kasama na ang natira sa allowance ko ngayong araw at ang mga susi sa apartment ko, pati nung apartment namen sa elbi.

naaalala ko tuloy nung una kong nakita yung coin purse na yun sa bahay namen maraming buwan na ang nakaraan. hindi ko alam kung nasa elbi pa ba ako nun o nag-AWOl na ba ako nung nakita ko yun sa bahay. pero dahil may mga elbi memories akong naasociate sa coin purse na yun, siguro nga nasa elbi pa ako nun. hindi ko alam kung kanino yun. nagustuhan ko lang bigla kasi mas malaki siya sa dati kong ginagamit. pwede ko syang lagyan ng celfone, at kung mga anik-anik pa bukod sa pera. 

dati, may nakalaylay na hawakan pa yun na talaga namang kinawilihan kong paglaruan. pag may mga pagkakataon sa tambayan na wala akong magawa, gagawin ko siyang parang sinaunang sling na papaikutin ko gamit ang isang kamay habang iniisip kung ang force ba na involve ay centripetal o centrifugal (centripetal un.) Hanggang isang araw, napansin ko na unti-unti nang  napipigtas ang hawakan mula sa pinagkakatahian nito. nung una ok lang. hanggang sa dumating yung panahong naiinis na ako sa hitsura nya. kaya pinigtas ko. parang asong pinutulan ng mahabang buntot. mistulang isang bagong anak na biik na sa ginupitan ng buntot. ganung mga metapora. naging uber-mini pouch bag-pouch bag-an sya pagkatapos nun. natuwa naman ako. sa tuwing bibitbitin ko sya dati, mejo mahirap na. kaya mas madals nasa loob nalang sha ng bag ko.

isa sa pinakamaayos na gamit sa kanya ay lagayan ng yosi at lighter. nakakatuwa. sa tuwing gudto kong mgayosi ilalabas ko sila sa maliit ng coin purse na yun. nasa ofis na ko nung naisip ko na anlaking gamit pala nun sakin. lumipas pa ang mga buwan. napansin kong yung plastc sa loob niya ay unti-unti nang natutuklap. pero nandun pa rin yung magandang anyong panlabas niya. kaya ok lang. madalas, inilalagay ko sya sa bulsa ng jacket ko, tutal kasya naman. ok lang naman. pero may isang jacket ako na walang bulsa. kaya pag sout ko yung jacket na yon, uhm eto pala, hawak-hawak ko lang siya. hanggang makabalik ako sa loob ng ACE lab.

pero kanina. napansin kong wala siya sa station ko. at wala siya sa bulsa ko. nung bumaba ako sa may lost and found para tingnan, wala. nung sinilip ko yung labas ng ofis at yung pantry, wala den. nawawala na siya.

haay coin purse. nasan ka na ba?

i spent the whole day day-dreaming about receiving the ACE coach pay on the next payday. I eman i told you already that my supervisor came to me and showed me me confirmation papers right? so there. plus the bigger boss instructed my supervisor to have me confirmed as an ACE coach rather than an agent. (looong story mare.) just in case i finally get the pay i've long deserved, i immediately thought of the things i am going to buy. who can blame me for being materialistic at times right? i guess everyone who's close to getting a better salary is entittled to being one once in a while.

it's a good thing that i am rediscovering work. people have become a little nicer and the whole thing becaomes part of my daily routine. but maybe my growing affinity to work is partly due to the fact that i might get my well-deserved pay on the 25th. i just cant imagine the disappointment if it diesnt happen.. whatever. going back, i feel that somehow i am beginning to regain my purpose and do my best to coach the associates on the floor. really now, especially the cute ones.

hahaha. the cute ones. i feel like a troglodytish damsel in distress whenever i am to coach cute guys. you know, if you are an ACE coach, you'll involuntarily remember the names of these cute guys. and since you dont want to give the impression that you truly find them cute, you go like, what's your last name again? something i am terribly good at. and if you're quite lucky, you'd get a sweet smile after the surname. o yeah. :) (then i realize, why is this paragraph in the second person?)

after my weekend escapade to los baños weeks ago, i was able to bring home two of absy's books. im reading on markus zusak's the book thief now. reading the first five pages was boring but after that, it was really one helluva read. before i realized, ive gone through 200 pages already. the author has this way of getting the reader hooked. his constant habit of making the readers peep through future happenings is just irresistable, making you readd more and more. wise guy. plus i love it that the backdrop of the whole novel is pre-WWII Germany. i've always been fascinated with the holocaust and this book just feeds on my fascination. havent finished it though.

while waiting for a team to be coached to arrived, i tried to exercise my head and actually wrote a brief passage. it's shitty i know. but what's so note worthy about that was the spontaneous flow of ideas. after 5 minutes of moving the pen i was like.. hmm.. am i really capable of this? more scriblings like that and maybe i can create a short story. haha.

i just love it when your head and fingers are somewhat engaged while you tap leisurely on the keyboard. sana bukas ulit.

a few days ago while alone in my apartment, i fought the impulse to miss work (again) and dragged myself to the bath. minutes before, crazy thoughts have begun spinning around my head and texted nearly eveyryone in my phonebook to tell them that i dont want to go back to work anymore.

which was soo weird. i know my work can be really demanding sometimes, but its weird that whenever i enter the premises, i seem to forget that just moments ago, i was whining about going to work. the moment i sit on my comfy chair, all unfinished takss of yestrerday are gradually completed and all pending meetings are attended. by me. to think that hours ago i was in the verge of texting mama that i dont want to continue going to work. i find the whole thing discombobulating.

here's what i realized about the whole thing. in solitude, you think about everything. crazy thoughts pop inside your head and no matter how hard you try to banish them, nothing good happens since there is noone to distract yourself with. although you give birth to brilliant thoughts when you are alone, you are prone to being frustrated by almost any thought.

haay. how could i have thought of leaving the job when my whole life depended on it! i have my apartment, i can buy what i want, and i have great friends! plus id be confirmed as an ACE coach soon! golly.

speaking of confirmation, my supervisor came to me yesterday and showed my the small pile of paper she'll send the HCD. it turned out to be my confirmation paper! i had to feign boredom just not to look over eager about it. but man it felt really nice. finally diba.

plus we have a new ACE coach on the team. and she is one helluva companion. we all love her! welcome to the team,apple!

back to the solitude thing. i still wont get a companion. i realized just now that it all happened not only because i was alone, but also because i didnt have a good day's sleep then. so i resolved to sleep earlier and wake up late. :)

against my better judgment, i bought the marquis de sade book. at first i thought it was good, but then after an hour after having bought the book, i realized i had been impulsive. kakainis. pero i try to comfort my self na rin na at least, i'm be reading THE marquis de sade.

it all started after having watched Quills months ago. i was so enthralled by the movie at tamang-tama, dumaan ako sa NBS after. nung nakita ko yung book, there. parang destiny ba ito? studyante pa ako nun. tapos nung nakita ko sha ulit last week (after months), binili ko na! 800 man. pakshet.

so right now i just need to go and appreciate the book. the marquis's been one of the most exciting fiures in history, so ok na rin.

i've read a few pages. hahaha. 18th century french pornography at its finest! ahahahaha!

against my better judgment, i bought the marquis de sade book. at first i thought it was good, but then after an hour after having bought the book, i realized i had been impulsive. kakainis. pero i try to comfort my self na rin na at least, i'm be reading THE marquis de sade.

it all started after having watched Quills months ago. i was so enthralled by the movie at tamang-tama, dumaan ako sa NBS after. nung nakita ko yung book, there. parang destiny ba ito? studyante pa ako nun. tapos nung nakita ko sha ulit last week (after months), binili ko na! 800 man. pakshet.

so right now i just need to go and appreciate the book. the marquis's been one of the most exciting fiures in history, so ok na rin.

i've read a few pages. hahaha. 18th century french pornography at its finest! ahahahaha!

ay.

i havent updated my tabulas for a month now. i have been sooo busy with work and for two saturdays, the reading room (where the pcs are) was closed for fumigation. fumigation. reading room. i just dont know if they take all these books out first before they fumigate. i've read somewhere that the chemicals used in fumigation are somewhat damaging to the books. i wish the guys know it. although most of these books are those that you would not even give a second to glance at, they're still books.

the workplace. there are changes that are going to push through this month. for one, a tenured ACE coach will be moving to the training team. so, my favorite bitch anna will be the one to take her place. we've been having issues with the ace-soon to be trainer so it was a relief for us that someone from our batch will finally be taking over as the POC. since this tenured coach used to handle another account, another favorite bitch of mine, janna will take over as the POC of that account. with this set-up, and with the 3 months or so worth of exposure, we can finally do our thing and help one aother out during the dreaded reports. And this time, we'll make sure that if another batch of ace coaches arrives, we'll really make sure they'd get the proper support they deserve. of course that is not suppose to say we did not. but thinking about it now, we probably did not. but then the lab was fresh from some controversies when we arrived and in a somewhat bad shape so our on-boarding process was sort off rushed. kaya kame, hinog sa pilit. wow. ampangit ng metaphor. haha.

question. if you've been trying hard to get a nice to a person and this person doesn't show any effort at all (or tries in an amount almost negligible) to somewhat reciprocate your kind gestures, what should you do? sometime this week, i tried to greet someone as we pass by each other along the hall. her response: a stare. something whose content i have no idea about. i am so much indebted to this person. i mean, she was the one who actually endorsed me to be an ACE coach. so imagine the discombobulations i was having whenever she would suddenly play the hostile bitch. i was like, okay so if you dont like me, so be it. but then at some (short) times she'd be nice. so i'd be nice. then she becomes hostile again. and the almost vicious cycle goooeeees on.

another thing. i am drawn into thinking about being from UP again. i dunno. earlier when the team washaving meeting the boss, he (the boss) was playing a joke about having someone tied up with a LAN cord and asked me. "marunong ka ba ng knots? taga-UP ka diba?" i just smiled. i mean, what was  that about?! naloka naman ako. what is the correlation with knot tying being from UP? does he suggest that all UP peeps ought to know how to tie a knot? cant la salle people know that? (this guy was from la salle) but then maybe im just being overly analytical of things. maybe that's joke i didn't recognize. so there. i thought, in this type of environment, how can i demonstrate the values i learned from UP? parang tanga ba? i dopnt know. i just feel that somehow i need to give my university some credit.

e ano-ano nga ba ang natutunan ko sa peyups? first. react to injustice and provide an better alternative. i felt the first phrase is needed to be coupled with the second one so as to avoid immediate opposition. i've been to countless (?) rallies and at least whenever i am in one, the cause could solicit a valid feeling from me. no to injustice. but. the injustices i am accustomed to are social in nature. whereas here, the "injustices" are somewhat petty. and to react to these injustices and provide alternatives would only suggest being too sensitive and needlessly over-analytical. yung mga tipong hindi mu na talaga papatulan. tulad nung isang trainr na kung magsalita sa mga coaches e akala mo hindi nagtatrabaho ng ayos. i mean, i know we work. she can take a look at the numbers for all she wants but god knows we do our jobs. although ngalit-ngalit ko naklang sabihin na kaya ganyan ang mga associates ay dahil yung ibang coaches na sinundan namen e walang ginawa para matuwid yung mga dila nila. well, i tried to reason out that before we could straighten their pronunciations, we need to change their mindset about ACE first. i thought it was a good point. but what i received was a mocking smile.  so there's your inustice. i consider that petty really. so i did not bother speak again. did i denounce my UP spirit with that? second. love of knowledge. even though i am on LOA, my learning doesnt end. its good to read modern classics. ayos. but really, it is something you dont want to flaunt.  

now the thought of going to manila and working there is flirting with me. i rty not to give it much thought though. i mean, i love being an ACE coach, i really do. but the idea of a higher salary is sometimes irresistable. diba?

haay. happy weekends everyone. :)

i bought another murakami last thursday when i finally got my salary. while i was browsing throught the titles, a book caught my attention. Screwtape Letters by CS Lewis. I thought maybe that was the cosmic sign that i should go and give the book a try. i have a tattered copy at home and though i have attempted many times to browse through it, i always fall asleep everytime. but it really interests me a lot i should say. it doesnt fall into the religious books category. it doesnt really lecture on devils and their ways. it is a satire on devils and their ways. having read jessica zafa while growing, i found CS Lewis's tone quite similar to hers. champion. BTW. Screwtape Letters is basically a compilation of Screwtapes's (a devil holding a favourable position at Satan's government) replies to his nephew Wormwood (a neophyte devil). each reply would dwell on a particular subject and through them, the readers are drawn into how the devils' minds work. (although at the foreword of the author, he advised the readers not to believe the things Screwtape say. weird, but i think that the whole subtext of the foreword is comedy. haha.) but really, i dunno why i always fall asleep midway.

so going back to murakami. there. i bought sleeping woman, blind willow, Murakami's second collection of short stories. but the first one i've read. the stories are you know, very murakami. either they make you feel good at they screw your brains out. nakakaloka. a good thing about it though was it re-endeared murakami to me after i hated him for wind up bird chronicles. that novel was soooo diffused and it really made me feel like im a stupid reader. it also gave me the idea that maybe murakami is a better short story writer than a novelist. pero di ako sure. naisip ko lang. in the middle of reading the book, i realized how brilliant murakami is. yung tipong mapapacomment nalang ako ng: tangina naiisip niya yun? there. my favorite short story there would be man-eating cats. at dabchicicks. i really laughed my heart out after reading dabchick. haha.

then while browsing through NBS, i nearly shrieked when i saw the newer edition of Murakami's After Dark. Kasi.. mas mura. 300 lang. the older edition cost around 650. wtf diba? so id buy it later. ahaha.

in other news.

it was alarming that i havent watched the hews for a week now. i dont read the newspaper because its cost effficient. ahaha. i have moved to a hellhole boarding house and there wasn't a television. so wtf. wala tuloy ako macomment sa mga nangyayari sa surroundings. ahaha.

in other news.

a new trainer (actually she came back. she was an ACE coach before.) was added to the ACE team. Gladys. she is so fuckin loud literally and figuratively. and i like her soo much. ahaha. :)

in other news.

haay.. hello weekend!!!! finally, i get to sleep for 24 hours tonight! i dont have to wake up at the middle of the night and be weary of the time. tonight im going to hibernate and gather hours of sleep to be swindled again by work next week. ahaha. i love being an ACE Coach!!!